


Shipwreck

by NanakiBH



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Abandonment, Denial, Feelings Realization, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Loyalty, M/M, Self-Reflection, Spoilers, only the mildest implication of incestuous feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 10:45:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12455972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: He stayed on board even though he knew they were taking a one-way trip to the bottom of the ocean.





	Shipwreck

**Author's Note:**

> ((SPOILERS))
> 
> This fic just about killed me. It takes place sometime after the confrontation with Akechi in the engine room.
> 
> [Lost in the Fog](http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm19382309) by yuniP really has the feeling I was looking for, so if you wanna listen to that...

The scent of the ocean. The sound of waves. Water for as far as the eye could see.

“What...”

Akechi just stared unblinking, his gaze tracing the line of the horizon in the far-off distance where the water met the sky. The sun was sinking, but it had been for a long time. He'd been standing there for quite a while, too, unable to move himself, paralyzed with a realization that he didn't feel prepared to acknowledge. The world around him was as frozen as he was.

Yet the red waves continued to roll. The taste of salt scratched his throat with each renewed breath.

He was alive in a dead world. The unstable, slanted deck beneath his feet creaked and threatened to pull him into the ocean with every second that passed.

Occasionally, a word or some other vague utterance left his lips; the sound of the gears in his head grinding, desperately trying to restart their movement. The longer he stared out at the nightmarish vista, however, the harder it was for his brain to accept what his eyes saw. The bullet wound could have partially been to blame for his state of shock, but Akechi was aware of that as one of the least of his problems.

“Where...”

When he finally unstuck himself, he looked around the deck, numb, eyes unfocused. They searched here and there, but all of the people were gone. The water in the pool had spilled overboard and the chairs, tables, and other loose fixtures had also either fallen into the water or were stuck on the protruding parts of the ship.

He couldn't remember how he'd managed to get himself out of the engine room. He might have done it automatically and erased the memory of it in his shock, but noticing the blank space in his memory awakened his slumbering sense of panic and he immediately began to hyperventilate.

“Where is... Where is... everyone...?”

He lost his phone and his exit.

He thought that Shido's Palace should have disappeared if his heart had been changed by the Thieves, but that didn't seem to be the case. A part of it still remained there, unceremoniously sinking into the ocean. After enacting a mental shutdown, Akechi had never stuck around inside a Palace to find out what would happen to it. He just assumed that they would all disintegrate like their Rulers' broken minds, but if the Ruler wasn't killed, then...

“Ah... Ahh... Mmn...?”

Nervous, confused noises leaked from his lips as he frantically looked around and succumbed to the hopelessness of his situation.

Overwhelmed with despair, he collapsed against the railing along the side of the ship and clung to it, taking uneven, gasping breaths that made his head swim dizzily. The whole world around him seemed to tilt like the ship, pulling gravity away from him, upsetting his balance. The water below him looked closer than before.

He spoke up with a slightly raised voice, hoping that if anyone were near, that they would hear him. “Hello? Anyone? H-Hello... Please...”

There was no response, of course. He let a moment pass after that, but the only sound that followed was the sound of the waves hungrily lapping the side of the boat. An unspeakably horrifying feeling began to seep into his chest and chill his body from the inside out.

“Please... No, no, please...”

He let go of the railing and began to slide a little toward the edge of the pool. He scrambled back up onto his feet and tried to move himself across the deck toward the service counter. The cognitive figment that had been tending it was gone, but Akechi prayed that he would find something there that could help him. Anything.

When he reached the other side, he clumsily climbed over the counter and began searching through the things behind it, pushing everything unnecessary out of his way with broad sweeps of his arms. Within a second of searching, however, there was already a pile of things on the floor.

It was just junk. A lot of worthless junk.

There was a phone, but it was corded. He picked it up for the hell of it, but there was nothing – not even a dial tone.

Weakly, he climbed back over the counter and dragged himself back to the center of the deck where he stood, arms at his sides, and stared up at the sky. It was difficult to think – to focus on any singular thought in a meaningful way. So many things passed through his mind and none of it received the attention it deserved, though a few recurring thoughts kept floating up to the surface. With escape seeming like a nearly foregone impossibility, his desperate mind immediately shifted to thoughts of survival, but even then... Everything below him was surely underwater. He had no means to return to the other parts of the ship to even check for food.

 

He was going to die there...?

 

Blinded with emotion, he shouted to the sky so that his voice might travel and reach outside the cognitive world.

“ _Shido, you bastard!_ ” he screamed. “ _Wake up! Wake up this second! Listen to me!_ ”

His body shook, throat dry and painful, eyes brimming with tears of frustration.

Everything was Shido's fault. Everything had been for him and because of him, but Akechi wasn't ready to die because of Shido's stupid carelessness, too – not before he had his chance to have his revenge on him, and certainly not before he had the chance to make all of his effort feel worthwhile.

That thought should have motivated him, but an unsettling realization made it impossible for Akechi to feel anything but at a loss.

If Shido's heart had already been changed, then...

“C-... Come back...”

Shido was supposed to be stronger than that. But they defeated him so easily? Those kids?

That worthless attic-dweller?

Akechi collapsed, knees and elbows falling hard on the deck. For some reason, he got the feeling that he screwed up. After he'd been shot and left alone to confront Shido's cognitive version of him, he thought for sure that he was going to die there, so he entrusted the Thieves with Shido. He wanted to kill him, and he knew that they wouldn't, but at least they would do _something_. That was what he thought.

And he'd been right.

But he was still there. Even the Phantom Thieves had left him.

That wasn't like them, though. They should've come back. After the commotion ended, they should have lifted the bulkhead shutters in the engine room to check on him. Those sentimental idiots would've done something like that. He didn't think he broke the mechanism... They could've...

“Joker...? Fox...? G-Guys...? Hey, I'm s-still here... S-Stop hiding. I-It's not funny, okay?”

Still, there was no reply.

What a terrible joke.

He should have never trusted them with that. It was _his_ job.

He should've-...

Surely, there was something he could've-...

His head hurt. Everything hurt. He was starting to feel strange and his breathing didn't feel normal. Even though he tried to hold them back, his tears ran down his face, stinging his eyes, wetting his lips with their bitter taste. On the surface, the situation wasn't very different from the way he'd lived up until that moment. He'd always been surviving on his own, so it had always been up to him to find the solutions to his problems, but even he was able to admit that he was in a situation where self-reliance was insufficient.

 

He didn't want to die alone.

 

He needed help.

 

“Shido-san... Please, Shido-san... Come back... Don't leave me here... Y-Your ship's still here, you know? Even if it's... just me now...”

 

“Oh, I'm so sad.”

 

Someone else?

 

That voice... It sounded like his own voice.

 

Akechi quickly turned around, slipping on the slick surface of the deck in his haste, and scrambled backwards on his hands and feet, away from the person who stood behind him.

“ _You...!_ ”

It was exactly who he thought. An identical copy of him stood over him, hands on his waist, mocking him with a pitying expression. Akechi thought he'd killed him, but he should've known that that wouldn't have been enough to keep a cognitive replica from resurfacing. Something about him seemed different from the last time he'd faced him, though – like he'd grown in strength or awareness. His eyes looked sharper; golden and gleaming with cruelty. His phony detective disguise had been exchanged for that white, princely garb. Just a fake in every way.

Even if that appearance was insincere, Akechi couldn't help but feel like he was the inferior version in comparison, looking beaten and miserable in his tattered suit. He thought he probably looked like something that deserved to be thrown away.

Still... It was kind of nice, in a strange way, knowing that a piece of him remained in Shido's heart even after everything else had been stolen away...

His double came near and leaned over him, his brows lifting as with realization.

“Hm? Looks like we have a case of mistaken identity. I'm not just some fake doll. I'm the real deal, Akechi-kun. I'm the real you.”

Akechi's heart stopped. His vision went white.

He had a feeling he knew what his doppelganger was saying, but it had to be impossible. No – he wasn't even willing to permit it as a possibility.

 

“Loki!”

 

Akechi struggled his way to his feet and prepared himself for a fight. Whatever that thing was, it wasn't him, so he wouldn't lose to it. He was going to defeat it and shake it down for information and find a way off the boat. He'd already won against one imitation, so he knew that he could do it again, even in a weakened state.

He was stronger.

He was.

 

“...Loki?”

 

Except...

“Looking for this?” His double pointed over his shoulder. There floated Loki – though an identifiably different Loki. Its form radiated with unchained malice, shuddering with the undiluted effects of his mind-breaking powers.

“Why do you have... my Persona...?”

“Seriously?” His double gave a sigh and looked back at Loki as if expecting it to share his exasperation. It just stared ahead. “I am a Shadow. The heart's... true self or something like that.” His Shadow sighed again and tapped his foot impatiently. “God, I'm so tired. Hey, can we get this over with? I don't have the patience for this shit anymore. There isn't anything beyond this ship, so I just wanna hurry up and die already so I don't have to waste a single more second feeling disappointed.”

“You're saying you're me? With an attitude like that?” Akechi laughed; he only wished it would have come out sounding more confident. “I want to get off this ship. I have to. I'm not going to die here by myself like a loser.”

“Why not, though? I've always been alone... Nothing's changed. Even now – even though I could have followed those Phantom Thief kids. They were pretty nice. Stupid – but nice, you know? If I'd just stopped being a stubborn bitch for a second, I might've been able to accept their offer and team up with them. I could've turned things around so easily that way.”

That wasn't true. There was no way it could have been that easy. Teaming up with them would have meant exposing his own guilt in the mental shutdowns. Unless he blackmailed them into silence, he wouldn't have been able to comfortably be honest with them.

He should have just killed them like Shido's cognitive version told him.

No, he should have killed them before they even had the chance to step foot in Shido's Palace. Then the whole mess could have been avoided. Then he could have continued along with his plan, just the same as things had always been. He was so close to finally reaching his goal, so it was their fault for getting in his way.

“I would have never teamed up with them,” Akechi said, finally finding an adamant voice.

His Shadow looked skeptical, but it willingly conceded. “...Yeah, I guess you're right. I wouldn't have teamed up with them. Even when someone tries to give me a hand, I have to refuse them, otherwise I won't be able to feel sorry for myself anymore. I like to make others think that I'm so hard to understand, but I'm just intentionally being aloof. It's kind of sad when you think about it like that, isn't it? I'm not incomprehensible at all. I'm actually quite simple.”

At some point, Akechi stopped listening. He trudged his way to the railing again and stared out over the waves. He would've preferred to just ignore it if he could. He was good at ignoring things.

Then it'd go away...

“Hey, stop that. You'll die,” his Shadow said. It climbed up the slanted deck to stand next to him with Loki behind. They were persistent. “I'm not going away. You know why I can't go away, don't you?”

Akechi blinked slowly. His consciousness felt like it was floating away...

 

“This is your Palace.”

 

“But this is... Shido's ship.”

“That's right. You've been on it this whole time. His first mate. It's always been sinking, but now that you're finally aware of it, it might finally plunge to the bottom of the ocean.”

As long as it was Shido's Palace, Akechi thought that there would have been a chance for him to be saved. He thought that if he yelled loudly enough and cursed at him enough times, Shido would have heard him and returned to the way he used to be, before his change of heart, restoring the ship. The sinking wreckage should have belonged to Shido.

And, besides, what business did he have on that ship? It was a representation of Shido's own ambition. Not his own.

If he had a Palace, it should have been something like...

Like...

 

“I have a Persona... I can't... have a Palace...”

 

He knew, though.

Shido wouldn't hear him. Shido had never been able to hear him.

Even if he'd still been in Shido's Palace, standing right in front of Shido's own Shadow, Akechi knew that he wouldn't have been able to make him listen to him.

His Shadow laughed. “Your Personas belong to me now, so you're just like anyone else – a regular person. As you are now, there's absolutely nothing special about you, so it's not impossible for you to have a Palace.” Its eyes narrowed with a look of self-satisfaction. “You ever heard of denial?”

That was right...

He was good at ignoring things.

So was it saying that he became aware of something? Something had twisted his heart and suddenly made him see things differently? Was it when he used his powers on himself and made his heart lose control? Was it when the Thieves tried to talk him down?

Was it when the cognitive version of him told him that he wasn't needed anymore...?

“No...” Akechi backed away. He didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't stay there, listening to that imposter. His feet nearly tripped over each other, but he kept himself upright and looked over the side of the ship, searching for the life rafts that should have been there. “I need to get out of here. Shido-san needs m-”

Akechi stopped where he stood, horrified by the words that almost came out of his mouth.

His Shadow hadn't advanced toward him. It just stood there, taunting him with its silence as if it knew that he couldn't escape from the inevitability of acknowledging the thoughts at the edge of his mind.

“S-Stay away from me! What are you trying to make me say?!” Akechi yelled, shaking his head to vehemently deny even the mere notion of what his Shadow was suggesting.

“If you want off this ship, you have to change your own heart. It's your fault that you're here. You've denied things for long enough,” it said. It began to walk toward him calmly, taking even steps. The sound of his heels seemed loud despite the dampening effect of the thick ocean air.

“Y-You're wrong,” Akechi said. The way he said it made him feel like he was just trying to convince himself. “I... I was-... Shido... Shido used me! This isn't-... None of this is my fault! _Don't look at me that way!_ ”

“Nothing is your fault? You don't really believe that, do you?” his Shadow asked, giving him the most humiliatingly pitying look. It came to a stop right in front of him and let out a loud, derisive laugh. It sounded familiar to Akechi's ears, but he didn't like hearing that laugh being turned back at him. “You're such a good actor, you've even managed to fool yourself? Ah, that's hilarious! Holy shit, that's so funny, I could throw up!”

What was he supposed to do?

Admit that he was pathetic? Give up?

But, even if he let himself sink to the bottom of the ocean, Akechi knew that he wouldn't have been able to escape from his own laugh. Even death didn't sound restful.

 

More tears rolled down his face as he lowered himself back down to the deck. He'd been lying to himself when he told himself that he had the strength to fight back. His body was giving up on him and he could feel his heart following.

 

His Shadow smirked, its eyes gleeful.

“Ah... I'm so sad... I just wanted Shido-san to pay attention to me. Anyone would've been fine, but it had to be him, didn't it? I was so mad, I had to blame _someone_ for why I felt so lonely. Just ignore the fact that I didn't know anything about him. He wasn't a father to me, but if I made myself useful to him, I thought he'd become who I wanted him to be. I thought he'd be-”

“ _Shut up!_ ” Akechi yelled, weakly lashing out at his Shadow's legs. It didn't budge. “He's a vile piece of shit! You think I care about that drunken old pervert? Don't make me laugh! Just looking at him makes me sick! I want him to die more than anything for what he did to me and my mother!”

“Your mother? What, do you think you actually care about her? You never knew her, either. Stop acting like you're the victim. She's dead, but you're still here. She chose to escape from her attachment to him, but look where you are. Look at what you've done.” It knelt and grabbed Akechi by the front of his torn suit, curling its fingers in the fabric, pulling him up so he couldn't avoid looking it in the eyes. “You were willing to go down with his sinking ship. You knew from the beginning that things would end up this way – you saw the water rising – but you kept clinging to the side of the ship.” It sounded mad. Or frustrated. Its eyes saw right through him. “Even now... You called out for him, didn't you?”

Akechi couldn't say anything.

If he did, he would've been lying, and he was afraid of lying to it.

“Just admit it and you and I can get out of here. The Phantom Thieves went ahead and scrambled his brains already, so you don't have an excuse for yourself anymore. You have nothing left to hide behind.” It roughly unhanded him, letting him fall back down to his knees. “Are you gonna say you wanna kill him? I'd sooner die for him!”

Refusal was at the tip of Akechi's tongue, but he clenched his jaw, letting more tears spill with the effort it took to contain his words.

“I... I hate...”

“Do you? It's not Shido I hate. He's repulsive and terrible, but I don't hate him at all. It doesn't really matter what I'm mad about... I just want to be mad. I feel so unsatisfied, there has to be something that will finally give me some relief. So I made that lofty goal for myself. If I could kill him...”

Akechi nodded tiredly, hearing it repeat in his own head; a thought he'd gone over countless times to reaffirm his purpose. “If I kill him... I can be free.”

His Shadow leaned back in, grasping him by the chin. “You would've killed and killed and killed... But never him. Never Shido-san. Never pa-”

“ _Shut up! Don't say it!_ ”

Akechi reeled back and punched his Shadow in the face. Seeing the look of shock on its face made it worth it, but it didn't make him feel better.

Holding a hand to its bruised cheek, it glared at him coldly. “Oh, you pathetic child. You made yourself love killing just to prove to yourself that you could do it. If you could kill those Phantom Thieves, then surely you would've been able to kill him. That was what you thought, right?”

 

It wasn't wrong.

 

“I know you don't want to fight me. You know you'd lose.”

Indeed, Akechi knew that he stood little chance in a fight against it, but he couldn't bring himself to say what it was trying to make him admit. Staying aboard that ship almost seemed preferable.

From the beginning, he was the one who went to Shido, who'd offered him help simply in exchange for the opportunity to provide him with further service. Shido wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he'd let him stay with him, and Akechi did everything he could to satisfy his expectations.

Shido didn't force him to kill anyone. He only gave him the orders.

It would have been easy to blame Shido, though. If anyone found out that he was the one enacting the mental shutdowns, he could have cried like a child and pointed a finger at him. He had a feeling that people would have trusted him, the hapless boy detective, over a corrupt politician any day.

But, the truth was...

Yeah.

He loved it.

Even as a part of him was dying, he rejoiced in the act of deceiving and killing. Because it was all for him. It was for Shido-san, the man who he hated so dearly that it turned his world inside out.

He wanted to please him. To impress him. To make him feel like his presence was so important and necessary to the operating of his life, he couldn't live without him.

Even if he'd lost his use in Shido's eyes, Akechi still wanted to struggle his way back to him so he could lay at his feet. He would have given him everything, even his last breath.

 

“Shido-san... Shido-san...”

 

It was painful. It hurt so much.

Akechi didn't want to admit it, but he knew that he wouldn't have been able to kill him. But he wouldn't have been able to change his heart, either. Shido was too far gone for him to reach, no matter how useful he made himself to him, no matter how much he satisfied him. The Phantom Thieves were the only ones who could accomplish what he wanted to do, but admitting that... It just made Akechi want to cry.

The powers he'd been given were good for nothing.

He'd used them to the farthest limits of their capability, but they still hadn't been enough. They would've never been enough.

Just like him. Never enough.

By himself, he couldn't change his father's heart.

So he cried hopelessly.

 

“Papa...”

 

The monolithic and stoic Loki disappeared without ever having put up a fight. Akechi's Shadow leaned toward him and slowly wrapped its arms around his shuddering form, drawing him into a sheltering embrace.

“That's right,” it said. “But I can go back to him. I can tell him how I feel – how angry and sad and lonely I am. I can be honest now. I'm tired of lying. I want us to be happy. I just want to be together with him, wherever he is, all the time... Just there, by papa's side.”

It wasn't too late?

He could still make it through to him?

 

It wasn't too late...

 

“I'm sorry,” Akechi said, his voice barely able to rise above a whisper, vision blurred with tears and exhaustion. Resting his head against his Shadow's shoulder, he released a defeated breath and closed his eyes. “You're... You're me. You were always me. I was always like this... That whole time – all those terrible things I did – all I wanted was... I just wanted _him_.”

For all of his selfish stubbornness, Akechi knew he was going to have one hell of a punishment waiting for him back in the real world. But it was okay. He wanted to suffer together with that man. He would have walked through Hell itself by his side.

He was certainly Shido's son.

At last, his Shadow let go of him and straightened up, keeping its hands on his shoulders for a moment as it looked down at him with a faint smile. When his Shadow stood, a brilliant light enveloped it and returned it to Akechi's heart.

Once it was gone from his sight, Akechi laid down on the deck, closed his eyes, and listened to the sound of the waves. When his eyes were closed, it was almost soothing.

It seemed that his mistake hadn't been a failure, after all. Letting them through to Shido... Letting them reveal everything was the only way for him to meet the Shido he'd always been longing to meet.

If the ship was no longer in danger of sinking, he hoped that it would carry him somewhere else by the time he next opened his eyes. He didn't care where. If it stranded him on a deserted island with just Shido alone, he would have been happy.

 

That was all he wanted...

 

Papa...

 

“Goro...?”

 

The quiet beeping of life support machines and one familiar voice.

 

“Oh, thank God... If you died, I-...”

 

The person who threw their arms around his limp body didn't feel like Shido at all, but it was okay. Akechi didn't feel like himself anymore, either. He was able to cry.


End file.
